The clock struck six and my fingers began to tremble. I had five hours left for my flight to Singapore. My mom squeezed my fingers and reassured me that everything would be alright. This was the big moment I had been waiting for for years. She packed my belongings into two suitcases. She packed clothes and several bottles of pickles and other long shelf food items.
Amma had been preparing for my shift to Singapore way longer than I had. She and my grandmothers had painstakingly prepared Sambhar Podi, Rasam Podi and Puli Kaichal. I had requested my Paati to make my favourite Carrot Halwa, this was packed into a tin along with the other goodies. I had requested Amma and Appa to buy me a pair of Gold Jhumkas to wear on a daily basis in Singapore. I loved the way they dangled every time I shook my head.
While the society appreciated my parents for everything they gave me, the same society put down girls who asked for 'Seedhanam' or a token of love by calling it 'Varadakshinai' or dowry. This was evident in a talk show named Neeya Naana.
I am a hardcore feminist, who is against the practise of Dowry. Yet, I could not help but empathise with some of the requests made by some of the girls. One of the girls on the show, requested household goods and furniture and was criticised and I completely empathised with the girl. She did not ask for jewelry or any luxuries but mere necessities and comforts. While the sambar podi and puli kaichal were essential for my survival in a new home, the appliances she requested were essential for her survival. The only difference being, I was going for education and she was going for marriage,
While I would not ask my parents to give me anything for my wedding, I do not see anything wrong in the requests made by these girls. This is because my parents have given me something that most of the other girls in the show did not have. My parents gave me education and the strength to stand on my own feet. The education provided to me, gave me the sense of security that most of the girls on the show lacked. The girls on the show, felt inferior to their male counterparts, namely their husbands and brothers as these males were better educated. This translates into an inferiority complex among the women, who want wealth as a means of elevating their status amongst their counterparts.
Another sentiment echoed on the show was that 'Marriage' was the most important event in the life of a woman. Several girls had been taught to believe that marriage was the Single most important life changing event in the life of a woman and this is a wrong notion. Personally, I would look forward to my wedding for the companionship it brings rather than enjoying it as a show of luxury and wealth. Till date, the day I left home and moved to Singapore has been the most important day in my life. I tasted Independence and freedom shrouded in responsibility for the first time and it was a bitter sweet yet memorable experience. In all likelihood, this day may be more memorable than my wedding and I have absolutely no regrets about it.
A common observation that I have made amongst my friends is that, while parents treat their daughters in an acceptable manner, the sons are treated infinitely better. In several cases, I have observed parents telling their daughter that they may not go on vacation with their friends, but have allowed their sons to go abroad, taste independence and stand on their own feet. When their daughters ask for permission to go on a vacation, they tell them to get married and go on vacation with their husbands while allowing their son to do as he pleases. This results in a situation where the daughter views marriage as a liberation and hence hurries up and looks forward to marriage as light in the end of the tunnel.
I am merely a twenty something year old, who has seen only one perspective of this issue, yet I believe that many have not seen the side I have seen and wrote this post with the hope that someone somewhere may see my side of things.
A man was once bored and took a printout of the world map on a piece of paper. He sat down and cut it into pieces and tried to fit the pieces of the puzzle together. He struggled to piece the world together, but after a while noticed that there was a picture on the back side of the picture, by putting that picture together, he was able to place the world map. His wife on returning home asked him how he put the world together, he sheepishly turned the map and on the other side was a picture of his daughter. By putting his child in perspective, he had placed the world together. If each person gives their child, irrespective of gender the ability to stand on their own feet, the entire practise of dowry and looking forward to marriage as a means of attaining freedom would end.
